Scientists Dressed Up Rats in Sexy Little Jackets to Find out What Turns Them On

Well, what turns you on?
Let’s forge new frontiers in human sexuality
by showing that jackets are of little consequence or are
everything, depending on whether you have an outerwear fetish,
in which case, Burlington Coat Factory must be for you
a tactile pleasureland or a place of great shame,
or both. Anyway, I wonder what constitutes
a sexy rat jacket and where these are manufactured
and by whom. Is this person given precise specifications
or allowed to just wing it, on the assumption that
we all know a sexy rat jacket when we see one?
What is the average rate of rat ejaculation,
and by how much does it increase when a jacket
enters the picture? Does the rat ever
ejaculate on the jacket? And if so, does
the scientist silently curse the rats,
the jacket, the experiment, the lab, and
whatever life decisions led up to this
sorry moment? Or does the scientist think of
the maker of the sexy rat jacket in admiration
of his or her craft, so well executed and so important
to this research, this careful measuring of conditioned
response in controlled environment, this pinning down
of rat desire, like a moth whose wings still beat?


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